All empires come to an end. The Egyptians, the Romans, the Greeks, the Carthaginians, the Zulu, yep they all came tumbling down. It’s especially sad for the Carthaginians because they are not remembered in pop culture; no one wears a Carthaginian queen costume for Halloween. Empires fall for multitudes of reasons including dumb leaders, economic disparity, invasion from other empires. Anyways, this is not a history lesson. I just want to go ahead and jump to the conclusion that the American Empire is in decline because of dumb leadership and the invasion from another empire. The dumb leadership part I don’t really need to explain, if you have any questions just watch the news.
The invasion by another empire, I’ll talk about a little. Essentially there’s been a huge Russia-sized cloud hanging over Trump’s head ever since he was elected because the Russians helped him get elected and he let them. I’m not going to wait for Mueller to tell me that Trump colluded with the Russians because if you are a human with common sense you know that it happened. So, yes the US has been invaded by another empire. The Russians subverted our democracy and installed their stooge in the highest office of the land. Now I know what you are thinking, “Where is your evidence?” To that I say, “Read the goddamn news.” The Washington Post and the New York Times have been screaming traitor, traitor at the top of their lungs for the past week now. Okay, so maybe they didn’t scream traitor because those journalists are far more mature humans than I am. Now I’m not here to tell you that everything is going to be okay, that Mueller will find out that Trump is a Benedict Arnold and send him to a American gulag (prison) because I’m not qualified enough. I am, however, very qualified to give fashion advice because I have a fashion blog…duh. Hence, all I can do for you during this time of fear and questioning whether you are now a citizen of the Russian Empire, is to give you advice on how to dress the best you can as the citizen of a declining empire. You can call us all Romans because honey we are collapsing. The most important thing when dressing as a citizen of a declining empire is to project confidence because displaying self-assurance may fool others into believing that your empire is, in fact, intact and thriving; it will also keep you from completely falling apart. What does self-confidence look like?
Sensible loafers – They say you are a poised professional, but you are also prepared to run in case invasion from the north begins. Yes, Russia will take Alaska first, then advance into Canada, then to the US. Maybe we do need a wall, on the northern border?
Fabulous blazer – This says I’m a boss, but also hides the fact that you are constantly worried that one day you will wake up in the morning to a President Putin and Fox News will act like that’s perfectly normal.
Wrap dress – This says nothing phases you because a person in a wrap dress is a person with a plan. This will let others know that you are ready to lead the rebellion against the occupying force.
Camo anything – Camo makes you look like a badass who is not afraid that the KGB is currently monitoring all your phone calls.