Whoever thought to fuse together a top and pants to make a jumpsuit was a genius. The jumpsuit gives you the same ease of wearing a dress – it’s one piece, without the restriction of being a dress – you can lady-spread without the fear of revealing your cute piggy underwear. I do wish that whoever invented the jumpsuit also had the ingenuity to know that humans, yes even female humans, need to pee and poop. Because while the jumpsuit will allow you to spread it on the subway with the best of them, it will also require you to undress yourself in your workplace bathroom. So here are my much-needed tips for wearing a jumpsuit when you are a human?
Find a jumpsuit that knows you are a human
Of course, the best way to wear a jumpsuit is to get one with an understanding that you are human with human needs. This jumpsuit will have openings in places that will allow you to pee without having to disrobe, but I’m yet to run into one of those. Apparently, they can make romp-hims because men need to pee, but I think society is still catching up to the fact that women must also pee. So, the next two tips are much more plausible.
Treat the event of wearing your jumpsuit like getting a colonoscopy
Before you get a colonoscopy, your bowels must be cleared. This is also the case for wearing a jumpsuit. There is nothing worse than having to poop in a public bathroom while you are half undressed, especially if you need to hover. The idea of pooping in a public bathroom is terrifying enough. No need for further complication.
Read the basic guide for colonoscopy/jumpsuit
To treat wearing a jumpsuit like getting a colonoscopy you should know what to do before one gets a colonoscopy. There are a lot of steps which you can find here and I’m much too lazy to type. The one thing you definitively cannot skip is “drinking a liquid that will trigger bowel-clearing diarrhea” the night before you wear your fabulous jumpsuit. Do not eat, I repeat, do not eat after drinking the liquid to clear your bowels. Also, don’t drink any water either because you’ll have to pee it out.
Hopefully by following these easy directions you can look as fabulous as I look in my pink jumpsuit. See that smile, that’s the smile of someone who is hungry as fuck, but also knows she won’t have to worry about any bowel movements for a while!
